Why Star Wars: The Force Awakens Will Suck

There, now that I have your attention let me explain.  I personally plan on watching the new Star Wars film and will most likely enjoy it.  I have just grown a little bit sick of all the hype and all the marketing and I am especially tired of all the people who saw the trailer and said it was so good it made them cry.  I do not hate Star Wars or J.J. Abrams and the new movie will probably be very good.  This is just a list poking a little bit of fun at all of the extreme excitement for the new film.  What follows is entirely based off of what has been seen in the multiple trailers that have been released and I have not read any of the books leading up to the movie.

Please take this list as it was intended, all in good fun.

#1 The Rebellion and the New Republic are Totally Incompetent

Hurray!  The Rebellion defeated the Empire at the end of Return of the Jedi.  The galaxy will have peace and a representative government, everything will be sunshine and daisies…  Not so much.  Apparently they were so successful that people are surviving as scavengers and they have allowed the Empire to continue to exist to the point that it has rebuilt itself into a sleeker, more efficient, and significantly deadlier force than it was before.  Then again, if they had totally broken the Empire this film could never have been made.

#2 J.J. Abrams

This man.  This evil, evil man who, according to many, single-handedly destroyed Star Trek will be the savior of Star Wars.  Really!?  Will there be a time travel plot?  Will there be an alternate timeline?  Will the lens flares cause permanent retinal damage?  Who knows?  Just look at those shifty eyes.  Personally I am hoping that the Millennium Falcon’s hyperdrive will malfunction causing it to go so fast that it travels back in time to rescue all of the Bothans that died stealing the plans for the second Death Star.

#3 The Knights of Ren

Doesn’t Kylo Ren look badass in this picture?  Never mind the fact that when we first saw him people were complaining about the crossguard on his lightsaber.  That has been forgotten in all of the excitement.  Personally I never had a problem with the lightsaber but what I do take issue with is the name of the order he belongs to.  An organization of Dark Siders who take their inspiration from Darth Vader and an insane, cartoon chihuahua has some serious issues to work out.

#4 Kylo Ren’s Helmet Hair

I have nothing to say about this but just look at it.  LOOK AT IT!

#5 Han Solo

Han Solo is the smuggler we all love but what the heck happened?  He was one of the leading generals for the Rebellion but it looks like he has gone back to being nothing more than a smuggler.  You think he could have done a little better for himself.  Then again maybe he did not want to be involved in government, can’t say I blame him.  Also, he hasn’t changed his wardrobe in thirty years.  I hope he at least bought some new shirts.

#6 Finn the Jedi

This is not an attack on Finn but rather me feeling sorry for him.  Apparently all prospective Jedi in the future are simply handed a lightsaber and told to go fight skilled opponents who will probably kick their ass.  I know the Force will guide him but what good will that do him when taking on an experienced Kylo Ren?  Luke, where are you?  You are seriously slacking in your duties.

 

Well, that concludes my list of why Star Wars: The Force Awakens will suck.  Go enjoy the movie and be safe.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, my friends, and May the Force be with You.